John's 'Interesting' Report Of The Melancholia London Premiere

Before I begin my account I'll mention that two days before the premiere I developed a really bad cold that just got worse over the next two days. I'd also like to apologise in advance to anyone who is crazy enough to read this very long & dull report!

UK Premiere day dawned. I awoke feeling awful. I dosed myself up with tablets & tried to make myself look presentable. Due to my illness everything was taking me twice as long to do as usual & I left for the premiere slightly later than planned. Unusually however I didn't actually leave anything behind this time. I think if it had been virtually anything else I would have stayed in bed but it's Kirsten....(& I also had everyones tickets!).

After a (over)long journey (thanks London Transport) I arrived at the Curzon Mayfair cinema at about 3.40pm (I had planned to arrive about 3.00pm). The Curzon Mayfair cinema isn't imho an ideal place to hold a premiere (it's on a side turning off a fairly busy road), & the space for fans is limited. A row of barricades had been set up on the pavement opposite the cinema & I was surprised to see that virtually the whole row was already full with a line of fans. I grabbed the last spot available on the end of the row & waited for Marc & Jess.

Marc turned up about 10 minutes later & it was lovely to see him again (we talk regularly but I hadn't actually met up with him for several years). Jess was driving up to London from Cornwall on the day & I was worried if she would make it on time. However Marc told me that Jess had left earlier than she originally planned (which would have been cutting things very fine) & she hoped to arrive about 5pm.

Anyway we stood around chatting for a bit & then the set of barricades right by the cinema (that I thought were for photographers or press) was opened & a group of people filled it). These turned out to be fans & I think we were all a bit peeved that people who had turned up later than us had seemingly been given a far better spot than we had.

I was amazed to see that the red carpet that was laid only covered the entrance to the cinema itself. The road outside the cinema is cobbled & I really couldn't see how Kirsten would be able to walk on it in her high heels. The road was then coned off down the centre & amazingly traffic was still being allowed down our side of the road (& this continued until literally moments before John Hurt & Kirsten arrived).

Marc then got a text from Jess saying she was running late. She had somehow managed to obtain a pass to the press area inside the cinema & she had planned to do this herself. However she didn't think she would arrive in time for it & asked Marc if I would like to do it. Perhaps if I had been feeling better I would have said yes but I knew the state I was in (ill & very nervous) it wouldn't be right so I declined. Marc (who I believe Jess should have asked first anyway) took on the responsibility.

Marc & myself chatted for a bit. Marc pointed out the security guy (who looks a lot like J Jonah Jamieson!) who is at all the London premieres & he mentioned a couple of other premieres he had been to recently. We also talked about the website & if Jess would turn up on time!

At about 5.20pm I gave Marc his premiere ticket & he made his way into the cinema to join the press area (I still can't work out how he did it as Jess had the press accreditation). Luckily he always brings his dictaphone to events like this. That left me on my own waiting for Jess.

Jess was coming with two of her friends, & Marcs friend Luigi was also coming. Now as some of you may know I am the only human aged over 3 years old who doesn't have a mobile phone. So Marc described Luigi to me (who was coming after he finished work & wasn't likely to arrive until nearly 6.30pm).

By now I was starting to feel pretty rough. It was a really hot day & the crowd was building all the time. I really wanted to sit down but didn't want to lose my spot so I leaned quite heavily against the barrier (& almost pushed it over!).

Next to me were a group of autograph collectors who cover all the premieres. They were not impressed with the lack of red carpet & the fact that latecomers had been given a better spot than them. One guy kept crossing the road undecided whether to stay where he was or try and force his way into the other group. I think he eventually stayed with us.

Just before 6pm I saw what I thought was Jess diagonally opposite me at the far end of the road. Despite waving frantically (& getting some strange looks from a security guard) the girl wandered off & I though I was mistaken.

I thought the screening of the film was going to start at 6.30pm so I was getting slightly worried as time ticked on & no sign of Jess or Luigi (or Kirsten!). One of the autograph collectors then started spouting nonsense that he'd "read on the internet" saying Kirsten would only sign certain photos & various other bits of rubbish about her. I really wanted to say something but I decided not to. Mr autograph collector if you are reading this I hope you now feel suitably abashed.

One thing that didn't help was the security guy who kept saying to us things like "No they (John & Kirsten) won't be going on your side of the road". I thought this was nonsense but with the traffic still driving by I was starting to worry.

About 6.20pm I spotted Luigi (good description Marc) & said hello. Still no sign of Jess though. I was almost out on my feet by now. The crowd had really swelled & there were a lot of people (far too many really) standing on the end of the street. The Iraqi Embassy is literally across the road from the turning into the cinema & the armed police outside were definitely not happy with this.

About 6.25pm Simon Pegg turned up (he is good friends with Kirsten). Not in a limosine or anything he literally just walked into the street! Unfortunately he was on the opposite side of the road & I couldn't get a photo. He signed some photos & chatted to fans then (I think) walked into the cinema. I wasn't sure of this as at that very moment I caught sight of that same girl back in the same spot she was previously. It was Jess! After a lot of mad arm waving I finally caught her attention & Jess & her two friends walked along the road to meet me.

I said a quick hello to Jess, who was with her two friends (whose names I have completely forgotten...apologies ladies). Unfortunately there was no way of squeezing Jess alongside me so Jess and her friends stood with a small crowd of people to my right. I think I then saw fashion designer Ozwald Boateng walk down the street & into the cinema.

At bang on 6.30pm a car pulled up & put stepped.....John Hurt. He made his way straight to the fans at the far end of our side of the road (immediately disproving what the security guy had told us!). Unfortunately he was too far down the road for me to get a photo.

Then a couple of minutes later another car turned up & out stepped an angel...actually it was better than an angel it was Kirsten! She briefly posed for some photos then went to the fans straight across the road from us. I thought of taking a couple of snaps but decided to wait & hope for a better opportunity.

Things get a bit hazy for me after this! I remember feeling really nervous & felt like I was going to faint. Kirsten was frantically signing autographs across the road & at the end of the row the crowd surged around the end barrier & virtually surrounded her. Luckily they quickly moved back & Kirsten carried on signing autographs as if nothing had happened (I'm sure the security people didn't see it that way though).

Anyway then Kirsten turned around & started walking across the road virtually straight towards me. I glanced to my right & saw Jess grinning like mad & (I don't think I imagined this) then Kirsten looked to her left & smiled straight back at Jess. I got my camera ready & held out my photo (actually it was the cover of a Melancholia press book) in (very nervous) expectation....

Kirsten then proceded to sign the photo...of the person right next to me...disaster...I wanted to say something but I couldn't, I felt my legs start to buckle but snapped a couple of (as I thought at the time very blurry) photos, I stretched my photo holding arm as far as I could but there were so many people holding photos & Kirsten seemed to be signing everyones but mine...

Then an angel really did appear. Actually it was a very lovely lady who grabbed my press book off me & somehow got Kirsten to sign it for me. I still don't know how she did it (everything was a bit of a blur by then). I think I thanked her & I remember her saying that I was shaking but other than that it's a complete blur.

Anyway Kirsten proceeded down the line & I had my autograph & a few photos. Shortly after this Jess & her friends made her way into the cinema. I probably imagined this but I thought I saw Jess walk straight by Kirsten as Jess made her way into the cinema.

I stayed outside about another 10 minutes but it's all a bit of a blur to be honest. Kirsten was still making her way down the crowd & John Hurt was signing autographs on the opposite side of the road. I was amazed how Kirsten managed to keep her balance on that cobbled road in her high heels.

At 6.55pm I decided to make my way into the cinema as I thought the screening would be starting at 7.00pm, & to be honest I really needed to sit down before I collapsed. I felt (and probably looked) like a zombie as I shuffled along the road but amazingly they still let me into the cinema. I saw the press area & had a quick look for Marc but couldn't see him so I made my way into the screening area itself. Jess & her friends (& about half the audience) were already seated. I was just greatful for the seat & (even better) the bottle of water that I drank in about two seconds flat.

At this stage I'd like to apologise to Jess & her friends if I seemed a little "off". I don't think Jess realised quite how ill I was feeling & it was as much as I could do to say a quick hello & not pass out!

Luigi turned up a few minutes later & the rest of the audience slowly made their way in. I noticed that a table & chairs had been set up on in front of the big screen & I guessed that the post screening Q&A had been changed to a pre screening one. This seemed a bit strange given that no one in the audience would have seen the film!

Time passed & I realised that the screening was going to start a lot later than scheduled. (As I found out later) Kirsten & John Hurt were still outside signing autographs etc & (as no doubt Jess did too) I felt a bit of an idiot for going inside so early. However I doubt I'd have even made it into the cinema if I'd stayed outside any longer than I did.

At about 7.20pm Marc turned up & we had a very brief chat about how his press adventure had gone. He mentioned that Cameron Spurr (who plays the child in thefilm was also at the premiere as was one of the 'minor' cast members (I can't remember who Marc said though). I had a quick look at the photos I took & amazingly most of them looked fairly good, although what would have been the best photo of Kirsten was ruined by a guy sticking his photo right in front of my camera!

Then a few minutes later Kirsten & John Hurt walked down the aisle opposite us & up onto the stage. It turned out that the post screening (audience) Q&A had been changed to a pre-screening chat with the film guy from the Curzon cinema. This was annoying as I had (what I thought was) a good question that I wanted to ask Kirsten. Anyway the chat lasted about 15 minutes but (as John Hurt kept saying) "It's hard to talk about a film that none of the audience has seen". Marc recorded the chat & he's put it online at thefancarpet.com so I won't bore you all with my hazy recollection of what was said.

The chat ended & Kirsten & John departed (to a good round of applause). Then the film began. I don't want to review it here (mainly because I would like to see the film again when I'm feeling better) but if you are planning on seeing the film parts of it definitely need to be seen on the big screen...& I'm not just talking about the special effect sequences! As I said to Jess after the screening "I need to get a bigger television".

Following the screening Luigi said his farewells & Jess & her friends had to go too (a shame as it would have been nice to have a chat with Jess). Myself & Marc decided to have a drink (which I knew was a bad idea on my part) before saying our goodbyes.

After nearly getting us completely lost (London looks so different at night) I eventually stumbled upon our train station & we popped into a bar nearby. I somehow managed to cut my hand on a bar stool but despite this I had a nice chat with Marc for an hour or so. What a great guy he is.

We said our goodbyes at the train station & I made my way home. I was virtually on automatic pilot during the journey & kept drifting in & out of consciousness. I eventually arrived home just before 1am. I was going to post a quick message on the website but was so shattered I decided to leave it until the next day.

As a postscript I woke up the next day feeling like death. I still feel terrible & I curse my bad luck at getting ill just before the premiere. However I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Top that Jess & Marc!